In Support of Nursery Rhyme Censorship…

Religious and parent groups unite. Do you know what small children are subjected to on a daily basis? Stories and poems that advocate child and spousal abuse. Violence, prejudice and blatant pornography run rampant on the pages of your children’s reading material.  Just when you thought the responsibility would fall on you to monitor what your child is listening to, you’ll again have to be proactive when it comes to monitoring what your child reads. Parental involvement is needed now more than ever. Church involvement is needed to demand we follow the church’s views and opinions to save us from the devil’s clever deceit. Ponder the evidence below. What seems on the surface to be innocent nursery rhymes are really carefully disguised tales of abuse, neglect, prejudice and obscene and lude acts designed to poison the minds of the innocent and impressionable. I urge you to form groups and petition book publishers and authors of children’s literature and demand the censorship of nursery rhymes. Together we’ll continue the christian tradition of book burning. Let’s join the fight to censor any literature that expresses views contrary to our own. In the name of god and all that is holy and just we command you to continue the long-standing history of spreading hate and intolerance. In the righteous words of one writer on

“The truth is, burning a book is one of the most loving things a Christian could do for a person they really care about. The Landover Baptist Church is proud to be sponsoring America’s Largest Book Burning on Satan’s Birthday, October 31st. This will be the third consecutive year we have held the event. Last October, we had 152,800 American Christians show up for the event. We burned over 3.4 million books! That’s right! Don’t let the numbers dissuade you from holding a book burning at your local church this Halloween. Thousands of churches in America have collected millions of Harry Potter books to be burned that very night. As a Christian, you should be eager to participate in this Bible based tradition. Burning books just like the first Christians did in New Testament is a great way to say “no” to Satan and “yes” to Jesus.”

The offensive and evil nursery rhymes below are just a small sampling of literature being taught in preschools around the country:

“Rock a bye baby, on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all.” Hmmm…will baby crack her head open like a ripe melon? Most likely. But we still praise the lord baby’s parents did not believe in abortion. And how did baby get up in the tree in the first place? I suspect this is some sort of witchery or sorcery. I suspect baby’s parents to be devil-worshipers.

“Three blind mice, three blind mice. See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer’s wife. She cut off their tales with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?” So, not only is the farmer’s wife a crazed maniac, she’s guilty of cruelty to god’s creatures and she sits in judgement of those with physical disabilities. Judge not, lest ye be judged, farmer’s wife.

“Goosey, goosey gander. Where shall I wander. Upstairs and downstairs in my lady’s chamber. There I met an old man who wouldn’t say his prayers. I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.” Well, although goosey sounds like she has a future as a nursing home aide, she did remember her responsiblity to proselytize by killing some poor old guy because he wouldn’t pray. However, she’s still guilty of murder. Thou shalt not kill, goosey.

“I love little pussy, her coat is so warm. And if I don’t hurt her, she’ll do me no harm. So I’ll not pull her tail, nor drive her away, but pussy and I, very gently will play.” What can I say about this one that you’re not already thinking? I think I actually saw this once on dvd, um, heard about it. This is nothing more than filthy porn carefully disgused as an innocent children’s tale. Beware, the sin of lust.

“Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn’t keep her. He put her in a pumpkin shell  and there he kept her, very well.” I’m not sure why Peter chose to put his wife in a pumpkin shell but he should be tried and convicted of spousal abuse. Luckily for Peter, his wife took her vows to honor and obey seriously.

“Elsie Marley’s grown so fine, she won’t get up to feed the swine, but lies in bed ’till eight or nine! Lazy Elsie Marley.” I suspect Elsie Marley may be clinically depressed, most likely because her swine of a husband can’t get up and make his own breakfast. Or perhaps the devil has taken hold of her because her lazyness has kept her from going to church on Sunday. Elsie has clearly chosen the sin of slothfulness.

“There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. She gave them some broth, without any bread, whipped them all soundly, and sent them to bed.” Old woman contemplated the option of abortion. One trip to planned parenthood would have avoided yet another case of child abuse, thought old woman. If only contraception wasn’t a mortal sin. god knows what’s in your heart, old woman and now you must be punished with ungrateful and unruly children.

“Hark! Hark! The dogs do bark, The beggars are coming to town. Some in rags, And some in tags, And one in a velvet gown!” Obviously one of these beggars is prideful by dressing lavishly and will face the wrath of god. Perhaps he will be turned into a pillar of salt.

“Four stiff standers, Four dilly-danders, Two lookers, Two crookers, And a wig-wag!”  Obviously some sort of devil-speak understandable only by heathens and devil-worshipers.

“Hey, diddle, diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such sport, And the dish ran away with the spoon.”  Talking animals? Flying cows? More trickery and witchcraft perpetrated against our children.

“Higglety, pigglety, my black hen, She lays eggs for gentlemen. Gentlemen come every day to see what my black hen doth lay. Sometimes nine, and sometimes ten. Higglety, pigglety, my black hen”  More pornography. Obviously Higglety is a lustful prostitute luring gentlemen into her sinful lair.

***This post (and all others, including those not published here) can be read on my new blogging site, Thanks for checking it out!

5 thoughts on “In Support of Nursery Rhyme Censorship…

  1. I cant believe you think thats so outrageous..dont you have any sense of history, of culture??? are you a bunch of feminists??????
    my family was like that…Im Protestant, but for Gods sake, I believe in tradition, and I also have an education about story…and I am not offended by everything, about te reality of life around us.I left America cause its people like you who twist everything into some bullshit its not….all the women think they are so independent….twats like you with a chip on your shoulder just dont have a clue…
    you’re all fuckin ridiculous turning this into something its not…

  2. i’m still laughin so hard! this s the funniest shit i have seen in weeks!! haha witchery and prostitution!!
    bunch of holier than thou cult people y’all are!!!!! turning classic nursery rhymes into something bad
    is that like, dont read huck finn cause it says niggra???

  3. DWELLSWITHIN: Although I highly appreciate your colorful, tolerant and informational words of wisdom, you have completely missed my point. This post is purely satirical (if you’re not sure what that means, please look it up if you have a dictionary). Everything written in this post is meant as a “poke” at the religious community and their attempts to censore other fine works of literature (Harry Potter for one). How you could have thought this was an actual commentary is unbelievable to me. And the use of such sexist expletives is quite counterproductive to your claim of tolerance. As for leaving America…I don’t think any one of us will miss you. Say hello to Osama for me.

    To Any Other Readers: I debated whether or not to post these 2 insulting comments from the inspiring “Dwellswithin”, because of its highly inappropriate language, but wanted to show others what a moronic idiot has to say. Hopefully the language doesn’t offend anyone. Brightest Blessings To All!

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